Kinda here

I’m doing a bit better today. I’m more grounded.

Apparently BFF noticed yesterday that I was really gone. Usually she doesn’t notice, but I think she’s gotten to know me well enough now. She said I get this blank glassy look and stare off into space. I’ve always been curious what I look like on the outside when the PTSD is raging. My therapist is rediculously good at reading my face/body language. She catches onto what I’m feeling almost immediately. It’s almost eerie, but I like that she’s so good at reading me. Because I have a hard time communicating that stuff.

Anyway. Going to get ready for bed.

Not here

I’ve been feeling very not present. We went over to take baby pictures cause the little one’s 1st brithday is coming up, and BFF got her cute new outfits. So they wanted some nice pictures in the little one’s new clothes. I was there and all, snapping away with my camera, but I wasn’t present. My mind wasn’t there. Lights on, nobody home. I just feel very blank and fuzzy inside.

I’m just not here… not present… Going through the motions… but I don’t feel remotely grounded… Sometimes I feel so disconnected I feel like I don’t have a body…

I’m not sure why. I just want to go to bed.

I don’t like this…

Nothing Is Free

I need the […] password to set up the auto payment.  Also do you not plan on checking in anymore?  The agreement was that I would pay for the phone service as long as you called once a week.  If you don’t want to call then you can pay for the phone service yourself.

Let me know what your decision is.

Dad

I’m 98% sure BPDm wrote that e-mail. enDad doesn’t know how to use a computer to save his life, and he lets BPDm do everything computer related. ESPECIALLY when it comes to things that involve money. I’ve told y’all a million times how my mom manages his bank account and finances and taxes for him.

Plus, the tone is exactly like BPDm’s other e-mails.

I responded:

I sent you the password last time. It’s the same one you used for the insurance thing, […].

I called on January 6, 14, and today and left voice mails since no one answered. That is once every week.

And that’s it. Didn’t sign it. I was tempted to throw in “Also, I know Dad didn’t write this e-mail. I’m not stupid.” but I deleted it.

I know… it’s still filled with JADE, but I couldn’t help it.

I hate this whole situation. I wish I didn’t need my dad to pay for my phone, but after I pay February’s rent I will literally only have $30 to my name. I don’t know what I’m going to do. And I can’t go to my Dad about it, not now, because obviously BPDm is throwing a fit.

I feel sick. I hate that I let her get to me like this. One stupid little e-mail and I can’t breathe and and feel horrible and rotten… and scared, because she’s threatening to cut me off. And then I hate myself even more for needing their help financially.

And my therapist wonders why I hate having to ask for help.

There’s always a catch. There’s always strings attached. You don’t get anything for free, and then you can damn well expect to have it thrown back in your face and used to guilt trip you later. That’s just the way things work.

ETA, she already e-mailed me back.

I apologize, regarding the calls.  As for the password, I deleted the email with it and did not remember it.

Dad

I’m still sure it’s BPDm. My dad would not use ‘regarding’.

Another thing I can take off my To Do List

Today I went to apply for food benefits. Best Friend and Aunt P went with me, which helped a lot. They helped me fill out some of the forms too, because I wasn’t sure what to write down at times. It took me a long time to get through the forms because I was dissociating. I had to read questions like 10 times before I even understood what they were saying. And sometimes I would just stare at the form and I’d go blank and just feel scared and fuzzy and floaty.

I’m terrified of being rejected. Also, the last time I tried to get help from a government agency (Vocational Rehabilitation) it was a horrible experience. The lady interviewing me was awful, and invalidating, and arrogant and condescending. To give you an idea, this is one of the worst things she did: some time after I told her I have PTSD due to being abused by my mom, the lady kept obsessing over some little detail thinking I might have had a developmental disorder and then INSISTED on calling my mother to ask her about when I was a kid. Yeah. And I let her cause she kept badgering me and I felt like I had no choice and then I had to sit there while she was on the phone with my mother.

Anyway, then I had to wait in line for forever to turn in the paperwork. I was shaking- but I don’t know how much of that was the anxiety as it was I didn’t eat anything but a Snickers bar all day- and still anxious and panicky. Then I finally got called to the front and the guy helping me was this much older Spanish gentlemen. He sounded and dressed exactly like my grandpa. There goes my ability to focus and be coherent. I hadn’t been triggered by a Spanish accent since moving out here. Most people who are Spanish out here are Mexican, and Mexican accents don’t trigger me. My family was Puerto Rican. I grew up with that accent. I can recognize it and when I do I get triggered. At least it wasn’t an older woman. If it had been, I think I might have had a panic attack or passed out. I had an ok relationship with my grandpa. But my grandmother was an abusive NPD/BPD nasty old bitch. She was horrible. I always hated her…

But yeah, but this old dude is of course kinda slower at using the computer and so it took forever. I can’t even remember half of what happened because I kept going blank. In the though he gave me the food stamps card and explained once the paperwork processes I can use my card. They used to do a interview thing but now they don’t do that anymore. Thank goodness. I don’t think I’d have made it through that without having a panic attack or dissociating totally.

We left and I felt like I was going to pass out. I curled up in the car and was just so relieved it was over with.

This helps SO much. Now I have help buying food, which was a huge part of what was draining what little money I have left. Now I’ll be able to afford to keep paying rent and for therapy.

Got my License

So I was productive. I finally went to the DMV and applied for my license. All I had to do was take the knowledge test, cause they waived the drive test since I had my license from my old state. I failed the first time (barely) so I went back today to take it and passed this time. Got my picture taken and they gave me my interim card, I’ll get my permanent one in the mail sometime soon.

So I’m finally a legal resident and legal to drive in this state. I don’t have a car, but maybe someday I will. And if there was an emergency I could drive if I had to. (Except during an emergency I doubt I’d be in any condition to drive… but. whatever.)

Next step is to apply for food stamps.

I put this stuff off for 7 months, man, I suck. But at least now I’m finally getting it done.

I hate my picture on my license so much. (I know, I know, who doesn’t?)

I’m tired and I have a tension headache now for some reason. That’s not a good sign. Gonna lay down and rest.

Long Week

First of all- I log into wordpress and find myself baffled because the homepage was changed and is all different. I couldn’t figure out how to get to my dashboard so I could manage stuff and write this post. (I don’t like the quick post type things on the home page.) I’m always startled when webpages completely change their layout without warning…

Anyway. It’s been a long long week. I finally got over my cold. Took me a few days but I’m feel better now. A little sniffly but fine. But by the time I got over this cold there was all kinds of drama going on that I had to deal with and I wasn’t in the headspace to write about it.

It had to do with several members of the family being worried and upset, because everyone had this gut feeling that something bad was going to happen this weekend- we thought TL was going to end up killing herself. She’s been having a hard time, has a lot of issues, and struggles with depression. And she’s still grieving over Q dying last year. She’s said a couple times she wants to go be with Q.

This week though, a couple of people in particular (who are sensitive and have some psychic abilities) had this feeling something was going to happen. And according to best friend and her mom the spirit world was in chaos and worried and trying to communicate. Q and other family members who have passed were trying to get messages across and thought TL was going to kill herself.

When I heard about this, I was triggered badly. I went into crises mode, my mind racing with ‘how can I fix this?’ and my chest felt tight, and I got that floaty fuzzy dissociative feeling. It only last a minute or so because then my best friend said something that snapped me back into the present. It had to do with a dream I had early in the week- a very strange dream where I knew I was dreaming, and even weirder was that Q was in it- I had told my best friend about it, and she thought Q was trying to send me a message. Anyway, what my best friend said was really touching but at the same time terrifying, and it made me cry because it brought back all the feelings that I’m not good enough and that I’m just going to let them down because I’m a fuck up and crazy.

Anyway. We were on edge and stressed and worried sick.

Thursday night, I ended up getting to talk to my old therapist, J, about it. We just chatted as friends and I vented to her a little, because I was triggery and scared, and dealing with a lot of feelings. But I didn’t know if I wanted to talk to my current therapist, M about it. Because I was scared that if I said too much she’d have to make a report.

On Friday when I went to therapy, I did even up talking to M about it. I set it up carefully by asking first off, hypothetically, about the situation. At first M thought we should be cautious and not use real names. But when she found out more that as far as I knew TL hadn’t actually said anything, or made a plan, and there was no actual intent that we knew of, that it was safe to talk about it in more detail, because without any actual intent there’s nothing M can report. There was no real proof or evidence to put into a report. It was just the gut feelings of certain people- and a bunch of ghosts. The session went by so fast, and it was the first time I was disappointed over how fast the session felt. The first time I left not feeling much better.

Friday night, best friend’s mom ended up going over to TL’s to talk to her. She wanted to check in and see how she was doing, and remind TL that we love her and are here for her. I think she also gave TL a message from Q, that he doesn’t want her to join him before it’s her time, and that he needs her to be with the kids. It sounded like TL took it really well and admitted that she does feel really bad sometimes and stuff. Everyone seemed to feel better after best friend’s mom talked to her.

Saturday, was C’s birthday party. (2 years old). It ended up going really really well and was pretty fun.

Today in therapy, it was intense. I was telling M about what happened, and she caught me saying “our family” at one point. I didn’t even notice. I’ve never called them that before, always best friend’s family. We talked about the idea of having 2 families. That I’ve adopted them as my family, as much as they’ve adopted me. I got really emotional and broke down for a bit, struggling with these feelings. Because all I could think is that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve it.

I was also struggling with wanting to ask M to come sit with me, rather than across from me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We had started to work on a collage when I mentioned they’d been something I wanted to say but I couldn’t. And eventually I wrote it out and gave it to her. She said she had been sort of struggling with the same thing, that she wasn’t sure if I wanted space to sit with the feelings, or if I wanted her to be closer. But yeah. We talked more about that, and how I felt stupid for wanting to reach out. That it’s weak to need someone… that it’s dangerous to rely on someone who might let you down. And M said how it must be so scary letting best friend’s family in. And I was already starting to break down again, but more so because I was terrified that if they rely on me I’ll let THEM down.

And yeah. Very intense, rough session.

 

 

Update

I just wanted to write that I’ve somewhat come out of the depressive funk I was in the other night. I’m still struggling, but at the moment, I’m okay.

Downside is, I’ve come down with a cold again. I’m all stuffy and tired and icky. I’m trying to rest while I can. But I have so much to do. Psychiatrist tomorrow, library on Wednesday, Therapy on Friday. And in between all that I need to photograph, edit, and post up a whole bunch of bracelets. Best friend designed and helped me make a bunch of stuff to put up in my Etsy shop.

I went to therapy today, and we worked on my resume and filled out a job application together. We’re going to do some EMDR around all the anxiety and shit concerning job hunting, but I wasn’t up for it today.  Hopefully I’ll feel better on Friday.

I’m also PMSing which is what set of the depression and crap.

PTSD + PMS + Getting sick = This is gonna be a miserable week.

I’m a fake

I’m a disgusting horrible person.

I’m a fake.

Who the fuck do I think I am saying I was abused and have ptsd?

I’m an attention seeking bitch.

I don’t have flashbacks. I’m not sure I even dissociate. I think I say I do because everyone else does.

I’m just a whiney spoiled brat who doesn’t want to act like an adult. Who doesn’t want to suck it up and get a job instead of going to daddy for money. Who wants attention and people to feel sorry for her.

Its fucked up.

Everyone else’s story was so much worse than mine.

I wasn’t beaten. I wasn’t sexually abused. I wasn’t neglected.

I’m not as fucked up as others or as how I try to act.

If it wasn’t for the fact I’m on my phone right now, I’d delete this entire blog. I need to just get over myself and grow up.

I hate this shitty person I’ve become.

Discovered a new trigger

I’ve discovered a new trigger. Well, not so much discovered, as realized, oh hey I’m reacting like this because it’s triggering me.

I don’t quite know how to put it into words. But it’s when I see ‘kids’ (ie teenagers or young people my age) who look like ‘trouble’, particularly when in groups. Kids who are loud, smoking, cursing, and dressed a certain way. Both boys and girls.

I have to confront this almost every week on my way home from therapy on Fridays, because I’m headed home while kids are getting off of school. So they’re on the bus. And worst of all, where I live is only a few blocks from an “alternative school”. So I have to walk by huge groups of them. I get very tense when I walk by these kids, I duck my head down and walk a little faster, and I try to keep an eye on them without staring because I don’t want them to notice I’m watching.

When I’ve talked to my T about being triggered by the presence of people, she’s asked a couple times along the lines of, “Do you think they’re going to hurt you?”

It’s made me think, a lot. It’s made me question, why am I scared?

I don’t know how much of it is afraid of being hurt or sexually assaulted. I wonder sometimes if this is part of it, albeit an unconscious thought I haven’t been willing to admit to. I wonder because my mom seemed to try very hard to pass on to me her fear that men can’t be trusted and I’m going to end up being raped and murdered. Every time a story like that came up in the news she had to tell me about it, as if it made her fears true and she’d go on about how it could’ve been me.

I do think I have some lingering nervousness and paranoia because of that.

But I don’t think it’s what’s behind this trigger…

I think it’s because these are the kinds of kids who bullied me in middle school. It didn’t happen a lot, I ended up changing classes to get away from them, and then we ended up going to different high schools. But I remember when I was in school and I saw them I was terrified.

I didn’t understand why they picked on me. I tried so hard to keep a low profile, to be invisible. I can’t even exactly remember what it was they did.

But it seems it had a stronger effect on me than I realized.

In therapy today, we talked a lot about my anxiety and fear around looking for a job. Money is becoming an issue. It’s trickling away rapidly. I need to find some kind of job, but I get upset and frustrated when I’m looking for one. I feel like I’m not able to do the jobs that are available, because of my PTSD and all my issues. It makes the whole thing seem hopeless.