Long Week

First of all- I log into wordpress and find myself baffled because the homepage was changed and is all different. I couldn’t figure out how to get to my dashboard so I could manage stuff and write this post. (I don’t like the quick post type things on the home page.) I’m always startled when webpages completely change their layout without warning…

Anyway. It’s been a long long week. I finally got over my cold. Took me a few days but I’m feel better now. A little sniffly but fine. But by the time I got over this cold there was all kinds of drama going on that I had to deal with and I wasn’t in the headspace to write about it.

It had to do with several members of the family being worried and upset, because everyone had this gut feeling that something bad was going to happen this weekend- we thought TL was going to end up killing herself. She’s been having a hard time, has a lot of issues, and struggles with depression. And she’s still grieving over Q dying last year. She’s said a couple times she wants to go be with Q.

This week though, a couple of people in particular (who are sensitive and have some psychic abilities) had this feeling something was going to happen. And according to best friend and her mom the spirit world was in chaos and worried and trying to communicate. Q and other family members who have passed were trying to get messages across and thought TL was going to kill herself.

When I heard about this, I was triggered badly. I went into crises mode, my mind racing with ‘how can I fix this?’ and my chest felt tight, and I got that floaty fuzzy dissociative feeling. It only last a minute or so because then my best friend said something that snapped me back into the present. It had to do with a dream I had early in the week- a very strange dream where I knew I was dreaming, and even weirder was that Q was in it- I had told my best friend about it, and she thought Q was trying to send me a message. Anyway, what my best friend said was really touching but at the same time terrifying, and it made me cry because it brought back all the feelings that I’m not good enough and that I’m just going to let them down because I’m a fuck up and crazy.

Anyway. We were on edge and stressed and worried sick.

Thursday night, I ended up getting to talk to my old therapist, J, about it. We just chatted as friends and I vented to her a little, because I was triggery and scared, and dealing with a lot of feelings. But I didn’t know if I wanted to talk to my current therapist, M about it. Because I was scared that if I said too much she’d have to make a report.

On Friday when I went to therapy, I did even up talking to M about it. I set it up carefully by asking first off, hypothetically, about the situation. At first M thought we should be cautious and not use real names. But when she found out more that as far as I knew TL hadn’t actually said anything, or made a plan, and there was no actual intent that we knew of, that it was safe to talk about it in more detail, because without any actual intent there’s nothing M can report. There was no real proof or evidence to put into a report. It was just the gut feelings of certain people- and a bunch of ghosts. The session went by so fast, and it was the first time I was disappointed over how fast the session felt. The first time I left not feeling much better.

Friday night, best friend’s mom ended up going over to TL’s to talk to her. She wanted to check in and see how she was doing, and remind TL that we love her and are here for her. I think she also gave TL a message from Q, that he doesn’t want her to join him before it’s her time, and that he needs her to be with the kids. It sounded like TL took it really well and admitted that she does feel really bad sometimes and stuff. Everyone seemed to feel better after best friend’s mom talked to her.

Saturday, was C’s birthday party. (2 years old). It ended up going really really well and was pretty fun.

Today in therapy, it was intense. I was telling M about what happened, and she caught me saying “our family” at one point. I didn’t even notice. I’ve never called them that before, always best friend’s family. We talked about the idea of having 2 families. That I’ve adopted them as my family, as much as they’ve adopted me. I got really emotional and broke down for a bit, struggling with these feelings. Because all I could think is that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve it.

I was also struggling with wanting to ask M to come sit with me, rather than across from me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We had started to work on a collage when I mentioned they’d been something I wanted to say but I couldn’t. And eventually I wrote it out and gave it to her. She said she had been sort of struggling with the same thing, that she wasn’t sure if I wanted space to sit with the feelings, or if I wanted her to be closer. But yeah. We talked more about that, and how I felt stupid for wanting to reach out. That it’s weak to need someone… that it’s dangerous to rely on someone who might let you down. And M said how it must be so scary letting best friend’s family in. And I was already starting to break down again, but more so because I was terrified that if they rely on me I’ll let THEM down.

And yeah. Very intense, rough session.