Panic and Drama, oh my

So, I called my insurance yesterday to try to find out what’s going on. For some reason they won’t pay my therapist directly. I don’t know.

Anyway, I was told that a reimbursement check had been sent, but it’s going to my dad directly. I was told the only way to put an alternate address or something on there is to file a Confidential Communications form, which is supposed to be if you are endangered by the release of your information.

For some reason this triggered off an awful anxiety attack. My chest hurt SO bad and I shut down for a while. I crawled into bed and just laid there for several hours. I texted J a couple of times, and at first she wasn’t understanding what I was telling her, but then she got it.

I also e-mailed M about it, and am waiting for her to get back to me.

I don’t know why exactly this triggered me off so badly. I’m still processing and trying to figure this out.

 

Then there was all this very weird, very triggering drama going on on the support forum I belong to. The admins invited a bunch of us from the children of PD parents boards to a private board, making it sound like they wanted out feedback on how to improve the boards and make them more healing. Instead we were repeatedly ignored, and invalidated, and told that “venting” is not healing. The admins kept going on about wanting to reduce the amount of venting on the boards, and made it sound like we were “stuck” and not moving forward. They talked as if we were having a giant pity party and all just playing victim. We repeatedly tried to explain that venting IS apart of healing, and that it’s not JUST venting. There is a lot of advice given, and processing that also goes on on the boards. It’s NOT just everyone responding, “Yeah, your mom’s a total bitch!” There is a huge amount of support and helping each other figure things out and learn to take care of ourselves.

Then the admins closed up the discussions and ended things without any resolution or acknowledging that what we were saying was being heard. It was like, we didn’t say what they wanted to hear, so they took their ball and decided to go home. Or, like they swept everything under the rug, wanting to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s left a lot of us rather upset and triggered, reminded of our PD parents acting the exact same way.

What really pissed me off was when one of the admins said, “In the end, no one is going to force you to heal”

Excuse me? That’s basically like saying we’re not healing.

I’m sorry, if I wasn’t healing, if what we were doing on those boards wasn’t working, then I’d still be living with my abuses and crying over being a victim. But I’m not. I moved out. I learned how strong I can be and that I do deserve to take care of myself.

The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not leaving the forum, yet, but I think I’ll be more cautious now. I don’t feel as safe as  I used to.