Trigger Warning: Nightmares
Oh. Well this is awesome. (Not.)
So my sleeping patterns are screwed to hell, thanks insomnia, thanks PTSD. For most of the week I couldn’t sleep. I managed a couple hours each night, but that’s it.
2 nights ago I had a series of nightmares and woke up having a panic attack. Wonderful. I was a shaken up wreck all morning, it literally took me hours to feel somewhat ‘normal’ again.
One of them involved me living with my grandmother who is undiagnosed Narcissistic/Borderline. I think in the dream I was younger- yet I was aware that I was being emotionally abused and was trying to escape, but I kept getting caught and in trouble. Obviously not much to this dream, though it was odd that it was about my grandmother rather than my mother.
Then I had a dream where I was in a house that I think we were moving out of. I look out the window and notice a grizzly bear. I freeze up, panicking, and then it notices and looks back at me. It proceeds to charge the window and I run. I think my brother was there, or someone who was supposed to be my brother, and at one point we escape out the window and go to another house. The bear finds us and follows, and gets inside the next house. Escape again, to a third house where there were other people. I don’t remember much after that point, just being terrified of the bear chasing me, and that’s around when I woke up.
Sort of interesting, and I figured this had some symbolism to it, so I decide to do some dream dictionary/interpretation research.
To see a bear in your dream represents independence, strength, death and renewal, and/or resurrection. […]
To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes anger and your uncontrolled aggression. You are feeling trapped.Perhaps you are in an threatening situation, some overwhelming obstacle or domineering and possessive relationship.
We may therefore associate the bear with feelings about living alone or surviving by our own strength; it can refer to the confrontation with feelings we have about independence,
from: dream-hawk.com
Well. In hindsight, that seems like really freaking obvious symbolism considering the circumstances. Particularly the bit about feelings we have about independence. I mean, come on. I just moved across the country and am being independent for the first time in my life, after being raised by my crazy Borderline mother who wanted me to be dependent on her and her caretaker, and then my overprotective dad who is convinced that I’m going to fail or fuck up my life or something.
To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.
To see shut windows in your dream signify desertion and abandonment.
Again, obvious symbolism seems obvious. I guess all the anxieties and fears I’m still having over this move manifested themselves in this nightmare.
Then today, I took a short nap. Awful nightmare occurs. This one actually involving BPDm. For some reason I was back in my old home, visiting or something, and BPDm shows up to rage at me for moving.
It sucks.
I’m sure the insomnia is going to get worse now because I won’t want to sleep for fear of more nightmares. Fuck.