Panic attack

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Trying…

I haven’t been okay, not really.

The past week has been so bad. I don’t think anyone but my therapist really knows just how bad it’s been.

The worst was last weekend, and Sunday night.

My best friend texted me about how her mom said she was disappointed and feels lied to and stuff, because I hadn’t followed through right away on the things I said I was going to do. This sent me spinning. Then on Sunday I had therapy, and… it was an extremely painful session. M was being really straight forward with me, and it was very hard… I started having a break down in session, and she had me walk around and focus on her to calm down… and stuff. She was trying to get me to understand that I’m at a point where I have to make a choice, I can stay here or I can go back to my parents. I can step up and be a better housemate, or I can be kicked out.

Then I get home and I just fall apart. It was an endless cycle of pulling my self  back together, only to have a breakdown all over again. To the point where all I could think was I’m tired of fighting and I just want it to stop. To the point where I nearly drank cleaning chemicals hoping to die, or I seriously thought about just taking every single pill I have so I’d overdose and die, to the point where I sat for an hour holding my blade against my wrist trying to will myself to press down and slice open my wrist, bleed out, and die.

M asked me why I didn’t do it, what stopped me. I don’t know. I just couldn’t. I mean, when I had the blade in my hand at one point my best friend’s cat (who usually shares my room with me cause she likes to cuddle and I’m the only one not surrounded by possessive chihuahuas) sat down in front of me and just stared at me. So I picked her up and pet her instead for a while.

It was just… Sunday night was bad. Really bad.

Monday I got up early and cleaned the kitchen and stuff, and I’ve been trying to help out around the house more…

Yesterday I had a job interview that I think went well and it sounded like I was probably hired but I haven’t gotten an actual confirmation…

So, I mean, the week got better as it went on…

But I still wouldn’t say I’m okay… I’m… moving forward… but I just feel really… fragile… right now…

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TW: suicide thoughts

So yesterday was an emotional terrifying mess.

First I wake up to that text about moving back home. Then my bff can’t really talk to me cause she’s at work and her boss is there, so I’m just left completely like wtf.

I frantically got dressed, grabbed my things and left. Because I couldn’t stay in the house. I was terrified out of my mind. And I started walking, telling myself I had no idea where I was going to go. Of course, I knew damn well I was walking straight towards the bridge. I’ve never… I’ve never come that close to acting on that. I’ve idly had suicidal thoughts  for ages, but… that… that grim, quiet determination I felt inside yesterday… I’ve never ever felt that.

I never made it to the bridge. I got four blocks and I literally had to stop walking. My body was not going to let me continue. I really thought I was going to throw up, and my legs were aching and hurting as if I’d just run a mile. My entire body was hurting. Physically. I felt like I was shaking on the inside, though I wasn’t actually shaking. It was just this… aching burning sensation all through out my body. And I had to sit down for a while. And then when I finally got up I walked to the bus instead, and headed to my therapists office. I had therapy anyway, but I got there a few hours early and just curled up on the couch.

When I got in to see my therapist, I showed her the text and finally just completely broke down. I was terrified and confused, and I even admitted to her that I almost went to the bridge, because I felt like I had no other options. The only thought in my head was that if I move back home, I’ll die. Because I don’t have a home to move back to… I have an alcoholic father, autistic brother, and a mentally ill abusive mother. Everything inside me would die.

My therapist got me to text bff and ask her for some idea what’s going on… so that I’d at least know what I’m walking into… and she finally text me back and told me everything…

And then I talked with my therapist about what to do. And I was still a mess. And she offered to let me stay cause her 3 o’clock cancelled, and we could work more on this, unless I wanted to just go home and get it over with. I thought I wanted to go home, but at soon as I got home I was like, nope, should’ve stayed in therapy. No one was even out of their room when I got home. So I went into mine and had another break down. I took 2 klonopin and curled up in bed texting my therapist, freaking out. Then at some point I guess the medicine completely knocked me out for an hour. (I haven’t needed my klonopin in forever… and maybe 2 was a bit too much.)

Then I eventually went out to talk to bff’s mom. And at first she seemed like she was just trying to take it all back and wave it off, kinda, but I still sat down and talked to her… and I apologized that I keep to myself so much… and that I’m more than willing to help out around the house- I just get scared to do anything because I don’t know what I’m “allowed” to do, I don’t know if I have “permission”. And I tried telling her how I used to get screamed at and punished when I did pitch in around the house by my mom… either because I did it wrong, or for no reason that makes any sense… So I’m just still absolutely terrified that everything I do will get me in trouble.

And yeah… eventually she said we were okay…

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Pondering Nightmares

Oh yay, I had more nightmares. The first one I didn’t remember until a few moments ago, and I still only vaguely remember it. It had something to do with being at my mother’s house, and apparently I was trying to get the things that got left behind when I moved. (Things I had packed to be shipped out but never were…) But then there was this weird part with bathing in a pool. And then TL’s girls were there too on the other side of some glass wall playing in a different pool. I remember being upset they were there, and trying to keep anyone from finding out, namely my mom.

Then the other nightmare was just weird. I was in some sort of high school setting. It was all going fine at first, but then I did some harmless thing… I think I knocked over something. Then all the other students started ganging up on me and there was fighting and confrontation. And for some reason everyone was pissed off about something that had nothing to do with that I actually did. I kept having to defend myself, and they just kept yelling at me or saying nasty things. Eventually I fled and ended up in another room down the hall but this one was filled with toddlers/little kids and I hid out in there. I work up panicking.

I’ve been dwelling a lot on nightmares lately. If anything they’re the only things that haven’t changed. Other PTSD symptoms have lessened, but the nightmares are still constant.

But what I’ve never understood is the fact half the time my nightmares don’t have anything to do with the actual abuse… They’re just… random. And a lot of times they’re not even what I think people think of as nightmares… there’s no cliche horror movie type stuff, no monsters, no serial killers… I mean, the school nightmares shouldn’t be that terrifying, should they? But they’re all so upsetting for me. I wake up having panic attacks, or crying, terrified and frozen and struggling to remember where I am most of the time.

I mean, it makes sense when I have nightmares about my mom’s suicide threats.

But what’s with all this other shit that isn’t about the abuse?

I mean… I suppose there’s probably some heavy symbolism in some of the nightmares (like the tornados) but still…

Are they really even nightmares? I know maybe I should focus more on how it affects me and how I feel, that the fact the actual content of the dreams doesn’t seem so bad shouldn’t negate the utter terror and anxiety and panic I experience in dream (which stays with me even after I wake up).

Are they really connected to the PTSD?

I just. I don’t know.

Here I go invalidating myself again, I guess.

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Today Is Going to Suck

Today is not good, not good, not good. I knew it wouldn’t be. The anxiety was building up more and more all weekend. I tossed and turned half the night. I snoozed my alarm half a dozen times while I laid in bed just trying to breathe. All weekend I’ve had the sensation of not being able to catch my breath, and today is the worst. My chest hurts and I find myself gasping, taking short quick breaths. When I notice it I force myself to stop and take slow deep breaths, completely filling my lungs, reminding myself that I can breathe just fine.

Breathing for me as always been the definition between extreme anxiety and full blown panic attacks. For me it’s why I don’t feel like I have that many “true” panic attacks, at least. Because for me panic attacks come when I slip into hyperventilation and lose all control, then everything goes into complete chaos.

So I’ve kept the panic attack at bay so far.

But I’m shaking and dizzy and my chest hurts and my mind is spinning and I’m edgey… and everything is horrible… that tiny bit of control I have is only just enough to keep it all contained.

I need to eat something but I feel like I’m going to throw up. I just want to get on the bus and go to therapy and get this day over with.

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Bad Day

I’m too tired to get into it…

Not that there’s much to get into…

I’m just really badly triggery right now. Last night I had bad anxiety and panic attacks. I ended up taking 2 klonopin, when I’m only supposed to take one… and then I think I just freaked myself out even more cause I kept obsessing over the fact I took 2 and thinking I was going to get high off it or something. Then I had nightmares all night though I don’t remember them. I just woke up with anxiety and the desperate need to get out. so I hurriedly showered and walked over to my best friends work to hang out with her until her shift ended.

It was a good distraction for a while but then at some point when we got home the anxiety came back. On top of that I started to get a migraine. I ended up crawling into bed and curling up in a ball and fell into that half-asleep sort of dissociative state for a few hours.

Now I feel anxiety and triggery and nervous and restless despite the fact my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I want to sleep so bad. I don’t know why but I feel like if I go to bed it’s going to get worse.

 

ETA.

I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I blogged. =( I just haven’t had the energy to post. I guess really it’s been a bad few weeks, not just a bad day. I’m so exhausted…

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Panic and Drama, oh my

So, I called my insurance yesterday to try to find out what’s going on. For some reason they won’t pay my therapist directly. I don’t know.

Anyway, I was told that a reimbursement check had been sent, but it’s going to my dad directly. I was told the only way to put an alternate address or something on there is to file a Confidential Communications form, which is supposed to be if you are endangered by the release of your information.

For some reason this triggered off an awful anxiety attack. My chest hurt SO bad and I shut down for a while. I crawled into bed and just laid there for several hours. I texted J a couple of times, and at first she wasn’t understanding what I was telling her, but then she got it.

I also e-mailed M about it, and am waiting for her to get back to me.

I don’t know why exactly this triggered me off so badly. I’m still processing and trying to figure this out.

 

Then there was all this very weird, very triggering drama going on on the support forum I belong to. The admins invited a bunch of us from the children of PD parents boards to a private board, making it sound like they wanted out feedback on how to improve the boards and make them more healing. Instead we were repeatedly ignored, and invalidated, and told that “venting” is not healing. The admins kept going on about wanting to reduce the amount of venting on the boards, and made it sound like we were “stuck” and not moving forward. They talked as if we were having a giant pity party and all just playing victim. We repeatedly tried to explain that venting IS apart of healing, and that it’s not JUST venting. There is a lot of advice given, and processing that also goes on on the boards. It’s NOT just everyone responding, “Yeah, your mom’s a total bitch!” There is a huge amount of support and helping each other figure things out and learn to take care of ourselves.

Then the admins closed up the discussions and ended things without any resolution or acknowledging that what we were saying was being heard. It was like, we didn’t say what they wanted to hear, so they took their ball and decided to go home. Or, like they swept everything under the rug, wanting to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s left a lot of us rather upset and triggered, reminded of our PD parents acting the exact same way.

What really pissed me off was when one of the admins said, “In the end, no one is going to force you to heal”

Excuse me? That’s basically like saying we’re not healing.

I’m sorry, if I wasn’t healing, if what we were doing on those boards wasn’t working, then I’d still be living with my abuses and crying over being a victim. But I’m not. I moved out. I learned how strong I can be and that I do deserve to take care of myself.

The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not leaving the forum, yet, but I think I’ll be more cautious now. I don’t feel as safe as  I used to.

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Panic Attack at Work + Contact from BPDm

Here I thought I was doing ok and coping well, but I’m definitely not.

I had a panic attack at work today. Been a while since I had something that bad. I think… I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night, and I think that just allowed the last 2 weeks to catch up to me and hit me hard. I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe and like I was going to throw up, and I got dizzy and shaky. I kept trying to work through it. Then I got hot, as if I was flushed all over like the hot blood had rushed to the surface right under my skin. Then I started feeling extremely weak and faint, and my vision started blurring, I still kept trying to work through it.

Finally I got up… standing made me feel 100x worse and my memory gets really dark at his point, but I know I told the lead lady I need to step outside for a minute, and I left and sat down in a chair just outside the office. I started hyperventilating, trying to breathe, and curled up on myself. My supervisor came out at some point to check on me, ask what was wrong and if I need to go home. She seemed really worried. I don’t know. I think I babbled at her, I couldn’t focus at all. She brought me some water and a cold cloth and let me go out to the building’s lobby where I could lie down.

After 10 minutes she came to check on me again. She let me go home for the day, asked if I needed a ride. I wasn’t sure. She said if I couldn’t get a ride from someone, they’d find a way to get me home… Kinda like she would’ve clocked out to take me home if she had to or something, since I had no way of getting home cause normally I ride the bus.

My friends mom picked me up and I went home and napped for a little while. I’m still shaky and tired.

I think I might call out tomorrow. I think I need a few days to myself, to take care of myself. Besides I’ll probably just trigger myself anyway because I won’t be able to stop thinking about having had to leave early today and what people might be thinking etc, where as if I call out, then Monday I can come in saying I had the flu or something.

But yeah.

ALSO, mom contacted me. In a crazy/sneaky way. She e-mailed me using my dads e-mail account in order to send me a link about an old teacher of mine (one of my favorites…) being arrested for supposedly abusing a student. She even signed it as my “Dad”. Like, she really thinks I’m that stupid? I know it’s not my dad because: 1) My dad doesn’t have a computer since I moved out. 2) My dad barely knows how to use his e-mail. 3) My dad has no idea how to copy+paste a link into an e-mail.

Like, seriously. Mom you’re crazy. And gee thanks for sending me something depressing like that. My therapist told me not to let this news taint my memories/experience with this teacher, because they were an important, supportive, kind, amazing teacher/person in my life.

But yeah. Ugh. Crappy end of the week. Gonna curl up and watch anime and Disney movies now.