Panic and Drama, oh my

So, I called my insurance yesterday to try to find out what’s going on. For some reason they won’t pay my therapist directly. I don’t know.

Anyway, I was told that a reimbursement check had been sent, but it’s going to my dad directly. I was told the only way to put an alternate address or something on there is to file a Confidential Communications form, which is supposed to be if you are endangered by the release of your information.

For some reason this triggered off an awful anxiety attack. My chest hurt SO bad and I shut down for a while. I crawled into bed and just laid there for several hours. I texted J a couple of times, and at first she wasn’t understanding what I was telling her, but then she got it.

I also e-mailed M about it, and am waiting for her to get back to me.

I don’t know why exactly this triggered me off so badly. I’m still processing and trying to figure this out.

 

Then there was all this very weird, very triggering drama going on on the support forum I belong to. The admins invited a bunch of us from the children of PD parents boards to a private board, making it sound like they wanted out feedback on how to improve the boards and make them more healing. Instead we were repeatedly ignored, and invalidated, and told that “venting” is not healing. The admins kept going on about wanting to reduce the amount of venting on the boards, and made it sound like we were “stuck” and not moving forward. They talked as if we were having a giant pity party and all just playing victim. We repeatedly tried to explain that venting IS apart of healing, and that it’s not JUST venting. There is a lot of advice given, and processing that also goes on on the boards. It’s NOT just everyone responding, “Yeah, your mom’s a total bitch!” There is a huge amount of support and helping each other figure things out and learn to take care of ourselves.

Then the admins closed up the discussions and ended things without any resolution or acknowledging that what we were saying was being heard. It was like, we didn’t say what they wanted to hear, so they took their ball and decided to go home. Or, like they swept everything under the rug, wanting to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s left a lot of us rather upset and triggered, reminded of our PD parents acting the exact same way.

What really pissed me off was when one of the admins said, “In the end, no one is going to force you to heal”

Excuse me? That’s basically like saying we’re not healing.

I’m sorry, if I wasn’t healing, if what we were doing on those boards wasn’t working, then I’d still be living with my abuses and crying over being a victim. But I’m not. I moved out. I learned how strong I can be and that I do deserve to take care of myself.

The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not leaving the forum, yet, but I think I’ll be more cautious now. I don’t feel as safe as  I used to.

EMDR with M

So, Sunday I did EMDR with my new therapist, M.

I was super anxious and nervous because I knew it was going to be different. M started to suggest that maybe we wait a few weeks, and I thought about it but really didn’t want to. I knew I’d be fine once we did it. It was just the anxiety over something a little new and a little different, but I’ve DONE this before and I know it helps and I was ready to just jump head first into it. Putting it off would just make the anxiety bigger.

M usually does EMDR by holding up her fingers and moving them side to side. This was a bit strange for me, and I found her going a bit too fast at times and it made me dizzy. She slowed down a bit when I mentioned I was dizzy.

After the fact I mentioned it was a bit odd at first because I’m used to the tappers, and I found out that she had forgotten that, and she made a big note in my file so that she would remember for next time. Since apparently she DOES have the tappers, she just doesn’t use them much. I assumed she didn’t have them. That’s nice though. After experiencing it differently, I much prefer the tappers.

But anyway, I was anxious and nervous, wondering if it would still work without the tappers. Well. It did. It really really did. It was a very intense session, and some heavy stuff came up.

It brought back the image of the little girl… my “inner child” or whatever. And I have a really hard time facing her. I tend to reject her, and try to turn away from her. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to comfort her. I just want her to go away.

M noted that I’m angry at her, and I guess I am. I said I blame her. I said what she did do to try to protect herself, it wasn’t enough because here I am still fucked up and crazy.

After my session, I was thinking about it some more. I realized the first word that comes to mind when I think of the image of my younger self… is ‘weak’. She’s weak.

I know it wasn’t her fault. I know she did the best she could. I know it’s my mom’s fault. I know it’s my dad’s fault for not protecting me. I was just a kid.

But I still feel like she was weak. I still blame her for the fact I have these PTSD symptoms now.

I’m supposed to care. I’m supposed to love her and comfort her, because no one else did.

But I can’t.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to see her. I just want her to go away.

Therapy, Scary Bus Rides and… Tea.

Had therapy today. It was hard.

Last night I e-mailed J about some things, that I’m having a really really hard time with. It’s a tricky triggering subject of attachment issues and all this stuff tangled up with my mom’s bpd and the way she thinks and the things she raised me to believe. And… I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m not going into detail, but it’s a BIG ISSUE and it terrifies me.

J encouraged me to talk to M about it, because it’s something that needs to be addressed with EMDR.

It was really really hard to pluck up the courage to talk to M about it. I struggled with the words. J had advised me to just share the e-mail with M, because then I don’t have to talk. But I had no way of printing out the e-mail, so… thankfully I remembered what I wrote and the insight I had, but it was still hard to get those words out. So, so, so hard.

The tricky thing is, that this is something that will probably only be fully resolved by talking it out. But it’s a conversation that absolutely terrifies me and I don’t think I can ever really have. I don’t WANT to have it.

But yeah, I explained things and then M said next Sunday we can do EMDR work to process this and work through it. I’m relief and nervous at the same time.

 

After therapy, I took the bus home. I was not prepared for it to be so scary and uncomfortable.  There was this boy on the bus, who was clearly mentally handicapped in some way. I could tell by the way he talked and acted. He also had the special bus pass and ID that you can get if you have a physical or psychological disability that allows you to pay a discounted fare to ride. (I have the same pass for my PTSD.) You have to have a doctors note and stuff to get the ID.

He immediately started talking to me. I couldn’t really understand him, partly because his words kind of slurred together, but mostly because the bus is loud and I have a difficult time hearing people. My brain is overwhelmed by all the talking, the loud noises the bus makes, the sound of the road. So I do what I always do when I can’t really make out/understand what someone is saying- I smile and nod. This boy gave me his phone number. I was nervous because I don’t like talking to people. I just wanted to be left alone. Then at some point he moved to sit right next to me, and I started to panic. I was blocked in, trapped against the window. He made me text him so that he would have my number. I was frozen with panic and fear, and he was right up next to me and in my space, and wouldn’t leave me alone, so I did it. He kept leaning into me, and touching me. I have no idea what he was saying, because I was trying to breathe and was dissociating, floating outside of myself and panicking. I vaguely remember he was saying something about how I need to come over to his house and we can hang out.

I was scared.

I don’t know what he meant or what he was implying or… I mean, maybe it was innocent and child-like thinking on his part, but I obviously took it in a way that he wanted to hook up or something. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just know I was scared and he kept touching my arm and my hair and I wanted him to stop. I don’t like to be touched, unless I really trust you. I don’t like people sitting right next to me. I don’t like people being within my ‘space’, which is within arms length of me. It’s my space. My little bubble of personal space. I don’t like it when people invade my bubble, and this was… beyond invading it.

Eventually I yanked on the cord to stop the bus and got off. I wanted to run away, get the hell away from there as fast as I could. So I finally did. I escaped into a big store nearby and walked around in a frazzled daze, it was busy and crowded in the grocery section which didn’t help at all. But I wandered around and ended up in the homegoods/furniture section which was a lot quieter. Eventually I just sat down and started tapping on my knees and trying to ground myself. I think I was in there for nearly an hour.

Eventually I felt grounded enough to manage walking around a bit.

And I decided to pick up some tea.

My therapist loves tea. Last week, when I was still getting over that nasty cold, she offered me some peppermint tea. I love peppermint. For me it’s very calming and grounding. So I said yes and I took some. I liked it well enough. I’m not sure of the taste, because… they all just taste like tea, to me. But it was warm and smelled like peppermint and I love that smell. Today I tried chamomile.  It was okay, too.

So, I wondered throught the tea isle, and decided… what the hell. There was a box that had different flavors, like mint, and chamomile, and lemon, and other blends. So I grabbed it and bought it, and when I got home I made myself some with the peppermint/spearmint blend. It helped ground me some more. Plus, I find the warmth helps soothe my throat which is still achy and scratchy.

I’m still not a tea person. I know nothing about tea. But this stuff was nice.

Ugh, it’s been a long day.

Is my PTSD not as bad as I think it is?

This has been something that’s kind of bugged me since I met with my new therapist, M.

At one point she asked me if there’s different degrees/levels to my dissociation and I said yes, and she asked me to explain them. I started off by explaining the more “mild” episodes, where I zone out, my mind goes blank. I’m sort of aware of where I am, but, my mind is just blank. It’s like I’m on autopilot. Then there’s episodes where I feel extremely detached, sometimes to the point of feeling outside myself. Then there’s the times where I shut down emotionally.

M said that the ‘mild’ stuff is fairly normal. That it’s more like what a lot of regular people experience, and not necessarily trauma related.

M said something along the lines of, “I don’t think you’re as sick as you think you are.”

She said it in a very gentle way I should note. It wasn’t condescending or anything, it had more of this feeling like she thought it would make me feel better or relieved even.

I’m not sure how I really feel about it though. I think at first maybe I was relieved, but now I’m… I don’t have a word for it.

I think it’s something I want to talk to her about again. Maybe I didn’t explain it right. It doesn’t FEEL normal. It only happens when I’m upset or uncomfortable. That can’t be normal right? I don’t know. I’m confused.

Edited to add: As I’ve been thinking about the “mild” zoning out, generally tends to lead to a “mild” detached feeling… that can grow stronger and stronger the longer I’m in that state. I think this is more the way my mind copes with day-to-day stressors. With the “smaller” things. Where as the out-of-body, and the emotional shut down… they tend to happen a lot more suddenly and with BIG triggers. In fact, the emotional shut down I’ve kind of only experience when I’m dealing with someone talking about wanting to self-harm or commit suicide.

I screwed up.

So more anxiety. Awesome. I don’t know how much more I can take. The old tracks are playing loud and clear, and all I want to do is run away. Run home with my tail between my legs because I’m a coward.

I got in trouble at work today. Which I kind of deserved. Because I was texting at work a couple of times, and I guess people told on me. (Irony here, half the damn time it was probably my therapist I was texting.)

And I also found out starting tomorrow I’m switching desks with this other girl and I have to sit next to triggering lead lady form now on. And I don’t know why.

I feels like having to sit next to the teacher’s desk because you’re in trouble.

And I DON’T. KNOW. WHY.

Other than the fact I’m a shitty ass employee, obviously.

And I’m dreading it so much because this lady triggers me so god damn much.

And all I can keep thinking is that I’m going to end up fired within the next month. And then I’ll have ended up adding little to nothing to my savings, and I also won’t have a reference. Which just sucks.

I just want to curl up and cry. I feel like a failure. And I HATE the small part of me that wants to run away, go home, back to my mom and dad, where I’ll be abused and dependent on them but I won’t have to deal with all this scary ass shit that I can’t handle. I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough.

I can’t even take a pill and hope it’ll all go away because I can’t get my prescriptions because the psychiatrist I saw forgot to give me back my freaking insurance card.

Tomorrow…

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I’m dreading it.

For a long time now, my birthdays were never pleasant. They were always disappointing and depressing.

I know I’m in a new place, with new people, who care about me… but I’m still not looking forward to tomorrow. A while ago I was excited and wanted to celebrate, but now, I don’t know.

I’m probably just going to end up triggered. Badly. And either have panic attacks or dissociate all day.

Doesn’t help that I have no way of knowing what stunt BPDm is going to pull tomorrow. If she does anything. I half-expect a nasty guilt-trippy e-mail.

3000 miles away and I’m still walking on eggshells.

Then again maybe nothing will happen… and then I’ll be left trying to shut out the FOG and not let it creep up over me. BPD’s go in cycles. I know this. But it’s been 3 months with no real contact from her (other than e-mailing me about my old teacher)  and I don’t think it’s ever gone longer 3 months without a BPD flare up/extinction burst.

And it’s my birthday a day that’s supposed to be about ME, so of course she’ll want to make it about her…

There’s a hundred other reasons why I feel like tomorrow is going to be depressing, but I don’t feel like getting into it.

I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be fine.

I want to get a tattoo. I really do, but I don’t know if I will. I doubt anyone would give me a ride, though I could always take the bus. Tattoos are expensive, but maybe it’ll be reasonable.

There’s this new place that just opened up nearby. I guess someone had the idea to combine a hair salon, tattoo parlor, and tanning place. My best friend thinks getting a tattoo at a hair salon is a dumb idea. I’m not sure. I mean, it doesn’t seem like a completely stupid idea to combine hair and body art into one shop. And they have an actual tattoo artist.

But, it’s going to be busy and crowded probably, which will just trigger me.

I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow.

I don’t know.

Dissociative Continuum

I found this a while ago while researching dissociation. I think it explains it pretty well.

There are different stages of dissociation which lie on a continuum:

Daydreaming. Almost everyone does this. If you have ever let your mind wander in class because the teacher was boring, or driven to work and then not been able to really remember the trip, you have been daydreaming.

Imaginary Friends. Many children have imaginary friends. This is neither unusual or abnormal.

Dissociative Episodes. During traumatic events, extreme stress, or overwhelming emotions, you may “blank out,” “get lost in the carpet,” or even fall asleep. When you return you will not be able to recall where you mind went, or what you were thinking about. These dissociative episodes occur to help you avoid dealing with what is happening around or inside you.

Out of Body Experience. During a traumatic event, you may have the sense of being oustide your body, and feel that you are viewing yourself from a completely different vantage point. For example, you may see the event as though you were floating near the ceiling and looking down at yourself and/or your abuser.

Voices with Identities and Functions. You may hear voices inside your head telling you what to do or say. For example, one voice may tell you, “Date that person, he’s really bad for you.” You have compartmentalized yourself out of necessity, because although your abusers do not allow you to think, feel, or act for yourself, you still have to be able to function when you are away from them. Imagine you have put your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings into different drawers in a chest; there are dividers between them, but they are all touching, and you are aware of what is happening.

Fragments with Identities and Functions. If you need greater protection from your abusers, you may develop fragments with names, specific functions, and feelings. Your parents may demand that you be quiet, compliant, and pretend to be stupid. However, you also need to be a good student in school. You may have Quiet Clara who handles situations at home and Suzie Student who takes your tests at school. When a fragment is functioning for you, you may feel as though someone has “taken over” your body and you have no control over yourself; however, you are still aware of what is going on around you. What has happened is the that the “drawers” into which your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are stored have become separated from each other and are no longer touching.

Note: At all levels of dissociation from Daydreaming through Fragments you are conscious of what is happening. Dissociative Episodes through Fragments are classified as Dissociative Disorders. 1-6 are all conscious and 7 is unconscious.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). This occurs when your need for protection from your abusers is so great you have developed alters, each with their own feelings, functions, memories, and names. […] There is some or no communication between alters, but you are not conscious of what happens when an alter is “out” (functioning for you), nor do you have any memory of what the alter has done or said. You have crossed the “amnestic barrier, ” consequently when you switch from being yourself to being an alter, you lose time. […] Nevertheless, all your alters are still you; they are parts of yourself which have become compartmentalized. What happened is that the “drawers” in you chest have become completely separated from each other. You have developed alters in order to protect yourself. Each alter holds memories, qualities, thoughts, and feelings that are perceived as being too dangerous for you to have. […]

(Source, emphasis mine)

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My experiences with dissociation, I’ve had up to the out of body experience, that’s what I’m sure of anyway. The out of body experiences are few and far between and come from extreme triggers- like when I was triggered at work a few weeks ago, and when I had an extremely intense therapy session, and a few moments I don’t remember very well from my child hood.

The dissociative episodes, I think, are how I coped on a daily basis through elementary, middle, and high school while I was stuck living with my mom. Back then, I didn’t know I was dissociating. I just zoned out a lot, and often had “dizzy spells”.

Towards the end of highschool and through college, I dissociated less and began having anxiety/panic attacks much much more often.

Then about 6 months ago, I realize I had begun dissociating again. I kinda felt like my body just couldn’t handle being anxious all the time anymore, so it switched to dissociating.

When I moved, I dissociated A LOT. I was nearly constantly dissociating. I’ve talked about it on here, how my therapist and I felt like there was just way way way too much to take in. Leaving behind my mom and old life, moving to a city I’ve only been to once, to a part of the country that is drastically different from where I was raised for 23 years. It was too much. So I dissociated.

Something this article doesn’t get into, but is sometimes a symptom when I dissociate is going emotionally numb. With certain triggers, I feel like my brain flips a switch and my emotions literally shut off. I feel absolutely nothing. My mind is still spinning, over analyzing- hypervigiliance is still working overtime, but I’m cut off from my emotions.

I also dissociate at work. It’s more on the level of daydreaming, I think. It’s sort of impossible not to, because the actual work is very very repetitive and mundane. Some jobs more so than others, there’s just nothing to hold your attention at all. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. If it’s going to make me more prone to dissociating- I kind of want to talk to my therapist about this.

The voices with identities and functions is something I wonder about. I think I may experience this but I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just mixing this up with negative beliefs and thought patterns. I don’t know. Hm.

Missed Milestones?

Here’s something that is always odd to me, and makes it hard for me to relate to people. It feels like all the time now when I meet peers in my general age group, mid- to late-20’s, I come to find out they’re married and have kids. I’m left feeling like a loser and unable to relate to them while they talk about their spouse or kids. I just sit there quietly like, “Oh. I’m a 24 year old virgin with no social life whose never really dated.”

When I’m listening to my coworkers talk about this stuff I’m left feeling like a naive child inside.

I don’t fit in.

I don’t even really have much interest in dating, or having kids. I don’t want that. I mean, even if someday I did want kids, I don’t think I could. I don’t know how to be a parent. I don’t want to make the same mistakes, I don’t want to fuck up my kids royally and I feel like I’d end up doing that because it’s the only example I have.

Then I start to wonder… if I wasn’t raised by a BPD, would my life be different? Would I be married and have a little one by now? Would I actually have a social life and friends?

Would I have gone to college and actually gotten a 4-year degree, instead of just my AA?

How many milestones have I missed?

How many will I continue to miss?

Will I be emotionally stunted  for the rest of my life?

Is this all there is ever going to be, an endless cycle of anxiety and panic, dissociation, and depression? Does anyone ever truly recover from emotional/psychological abuse and PTSD?

What’s the point anymore?

More work anxiety

One of the leads at work is becoming a trigger. She seemed okay at first. Almost nice. Maybe a little arrogant. And kept stressing that its okay to ask questions.

But for the last week I’m getting more and more anxious and triggered when I have questions, because now she acts frustrated all the god damn time. Plus she’s gotten kinda of condescending and acting like we’re all stupid. And it’s triggering me so god damn bad.

Thought Process of Someone with Anxiety and Negative Beliefs about Self

So I had a meltdown over not being able to figure out how to start the fancy frontloading washing machine this morning.

But it wasn’t about the washing machine.

So, here’s my attempt to sum up basically what happens in my head.

1. I have a need. I need clean clothes.
2. The washing machine won’t start. I do everything right. I push the button, it won’t start. I did everything right. I push all the buttons. I push start. It won’t start.
3. I have a need. I need clean clothes, but the washing machine won’t start.
4. There’s no one to help me.
5. I can’t ask for help anyway because no one will want to help and I should be able to do it on my own.
6. I can’t ask for help, something bad will happen.
7. I can’t ask for help, I will get yelled at for not being able to do it on my own.
8. I should be able to do it on my own.
9. I can’t do it on my own, and I can’t ask for help, it won’t work and I don’t know what to do and I need clean clothes, and I can’t ask for help because bad things will happen and I should be able to do it on my own.
10. I can’t do anything on my own.

It’s not about the washing machine, see. It’s all the negative beliefs about myself I carry around 24/7. It’s all the frustration and fear I’m holding in all the time. The washing machine just opens the floodgate, and all of that comes rushing out, and I just stand there staring at the washing machine and crying. (And then the crying just makes it all worse, because I hate crying and don’t want anyone to see me and another track of negative beliefs starts playing on repeat…)