Triggery e-mail form bpdm

Trigger Warning: bpd headwrecking, belittling and invalidation

I got another e-mail from BPDm. Yeah, I know I should block her e-mails. I’m really pretty sure this is ramping up to another rage/extinction burst. I noticed a pattern in the timing of her cycling. Anyway, there was something in particular that kind of pissed me off.

I know I did bad things to you.  I understand the spitting thing.  But don’t you think

that what you are doing now with me is you are splitting me black? because you are so angry with me.  I read somewhere that you as the non bdp person need to go through the grieving proccess, but you cannot allow yourself to get stuck in the anger phase for too long.  You can’t play the victim roll forever you need to move from victim to survivor.  You need to think of yourselfas “(Defy) HAS ptsd and Panic Disorder” and not as “(Defy) IS ptsd and panic disorder”   (Defy) does not equal ptsd. (Defy)=(Defy) has ptsd.  I hope you understand this.  How you see yourself determines if you are still being the victim or moving on to becoming a survivor.

My first reaction was fuck you.

I’m not PLAYING the victim role. That’s YOUR favorite thing to do.

And I’m not a god damned victim. Not once have I ever said I’m a victim. I’m a survivor god damnit. Do I get triggered sometimes? Yes. But being triggered is not PLAYING VICTIM. I can’t fucking control it when I’m triggered, all I can do is use my coping skills and what I’ve learned in therapy in order to get through it. But it doesn’t make me a victim.

I AM moving on. I AM healing. It’s not that god damned easy, I can’t be “fixed” over night. I technically have Complex PTSD, from 22 YEARS of emotional abuse, and headwrecking and crazymaking. I’ve only been in therapy for 1 god damn year. I can’t stand how people act like I should be “fixed” by now.

Not that it matters when it comes to my mom. Every step I take towards healing, is a step away from her, and she is never going to be capable of understanding. To her, me setting boundaries and not putting up with her crazy anymore, means I’m “angry” at her and “hate” her and blahblah. To her and my dad, the fact that I continue to maintain very Low Contact with mom means I’m “not getting better”. They want me to go back to quietly letting her control my life, while at the same time have to take care of her and manage her emotions and talk her down from suicide at least 2-3x a month if not more. I’m not the god damned parent here. I’m her DAUGHTER, HER CHILD, I should never have had to be the one taking care of her. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

Also, mom? I’m not god damned angry all the time. I’m not sitting here seething about how much I hate you all the time. FYI, I don’t think about you all the god damned time. When you e-mail me and trigger me, yeah, sure. But the rest of the time? I have better things to do, things that make me happy.

A Moment of Clarity?

Trigger Warning: bpd mom’s rage, splitting, attack and harassment- can be triggering if you have a person with BPD in your life.

The past two weeks have been… exhausting.

BPDm started raging- full on extinction burst. She started out harassing me via e-mail. At first she started sending me this extremely controlling business toned messages, saying things like, “I require you respond” and etc. I ignored them. Then she e-mailed me to inform me she cut me off- I had a debit card for my dad’s account, I never took advantage of it, I used it to pay for therapy because he agreed to help me pay for therapy last year. I still did not respond.

Then she sent me an e-mail with my baby picture attached, and was pulling the “I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU! I AM YOUR MOTHER NO MATTER WHAT” card. Which I rolled my eyes at and chose to ignore. It annoys me when people pull this crap. Giving birth does not make you a saint or give you a free pass to abuse your children.

A few hours later, she e-mailed me again. She changed tactics and was trying to guilt-trip me. She was playing victim, invalidating me, etc. Oh and she again said something along the lines of, “I understand no contact, but…” No. Clearly, you STILL do not understand what No Contact means.

Cut to a few more hours later, she e-mails me to threaten to sue my therapist for malpractice. I admit, this got me really angry and scared, and was the first time I was tempted to respond, but I didn’t. Thankfully, I had therapy that day and I was able to see my T and she reassured me that she wasn’t worried or intimated by my mom’s threats. Also, that realistically there’s nothing BPDm could have done. I’m an adult, and now lawyer is going to listen to my mom about suing her adult daughter’s therapist just because the therapist is helping the daughter learn to set boundaries.

That night, she regressed back to acting like the waif- she began calling me at 12:30 in the morning. Since she was using a landline, it was taking a second for my call blocking app to recognize the number, so my phone would ring once, then go to voice mail. She called me something like 60+ times in the middle of the night. Around 4:30 in the morning she left me three voice mails where she was having a break down over the phone.

And then I didn’t hear from her for 5 days. No e-mails, no phone calls.

I spent 3 of those days having anxiety attacks constantly. It was almost impossible for me to be at home, because I didn’t feel safe. I was scared that she was going to show up at our house and try to corner me, or threaten suicide, or a few other drastic things. However, she didn’t.

I had therapy this past Tuesday, and I was still working through everything that had happened. I was exhausted from all the headwrecking. I was still feeling extremely hypervigilant, and my anxiety levels were still high. On top of that I’d started having nightmares again. I worked through a lot of it with my T.

Then I get another e-mail form BPDm. The first paragraph sounded almost like a sincere apology- though I also felt like she was saying what she thought I wanted to here. Whether or not it was sincere, the rest of the e-mail clearly showed she’s still very Borderline. In a subtle, yet still very controlling way, she suggesting I go ahead and move like I’ve been wanting to do. She offered me money to do it, claiming there’d be no strings attached. She also went on about how she’d been looking at apartments in the area I want to move to, even linking me to several ads. (Yeah. Creepy and controlling.) She was still basically telling me what to do.

The whole thing was confusing and conflicting. In the end I decided to wait and see. I’d make my next move based on how she reacts. Honestly, I was expecting that when I didn’t respond, she would ramp up into another another rage and more harassment.

Then, today, she sent me a large sum of money via paypal.

I was completely in shock.

I’d contemplated playing her game so that I could get the money and get out of here. Of course, I was going to make damn sure I did what I had to in order to protect myself. A lot of people in my support group suggested taking the money and running. If it’s really a “gift” and there’s no strings attached, I have every right to do so.

I’m still unsure what to do.

I’m just trying to keep in mind, while my mom may be having a moment of clarity and self-awareness, and she might even be beginning to get some help possibly. She’s still BPD, and they go in cycles… and eventually she’ll swing back into the crazy abusive borderline mode.