Month: October 2013

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Something has been taken

from deep inside of me.

A secret I’ve kept locked away

no one can ever see.

Wounds so deep they never show

they never go away.

Like moving pictures in my head

for years and years they’ve played.

If I could change, I would.

Take back the pain, I would.

Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would.

If I could stand up and take the blame, I would.

If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would.

It’s easier to run-

replacing this pain with something numb.

It’s so much easier to go

than face all this pain here all alone.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of the past

bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have.

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back,

and never moving forward so there’d never be a past.

Just washing it aside

all of the helplessness inside

pretending I don’t feel misplaced

is so much simpler than change.

It’s easier to run

replacing this pain with something numb.

It’s so much easier to go

than face all this pain here all alone.

It’s easier to run…

 

—Lyrics from Linkin Park—

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I’m so tired…

The past week or so has been a blur of chaos and anxiety… and I don’t have the energy to get into it…

The worst part is 3 nights in a row I haven’t gotten enough sleep and on top of that what sleep I do get has been filled with nightmares.

So my psych doc added prazosin to my crazy pill cocktail. It’s supposed to help with nightmares. I guess we’ll see.  At this point I feel like nothing is ever going to work. Ever.

I saw my therapist yesterday cause I needed to deal with shit that happened on Monday. It was a rough session cause I got all activated and this time she refused to walk me through coping skills… She said the time’s long since passed for when she jumps in and walks me through it, cause she knows I can do it on my own, even though I feel like I can’t and that’s why I suck at calming myself down on my own outside of the therapy room… And it sucked and was painful and scary and frustrating.

I don’t believe her. I feel like I always get stuck with this problem… like I need something outside of myself to latch onto, to focus on, and when I don’t have that it feels like none of my coping skills work…

I’m so tired… I just want some decent sleep… My body aches… This morning is even harder because new medicine makes me dizzy, awesome…

I keep feeling like I can’t move… My body feels so tense and locked up…

There’s a voice in the back of my head that’s starting to say the only things that will ever help me are drinking and cutting…

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Same old, same old

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I don’t know, I just haven’t had the energy to keep up with wordpress. I do read blogs. But I know I haven’t been so good about commenting, and posting, and replying to comments. I’m sorry. I love y’all.

I think I mentioned I got a job, I’m working at the same place my best friend works. It’s pretty cool. I mostly just do daycare. Which is awesome. I like getting to hang out and play with kids for 3 hours a day. I’m getting a tiny bit better at the front counter stuff. It’s still scary and intimidating but I’m slowly working on it.

I don’t know. I guess things are okay. I’m managing the anxiety and stuff.

Speaking of, I just saw my psychiatrist… he increased the buspar to 20mg 3x a day, and the prozac stayed the same. He said he wants to see me more frequently too. Yet, here I am planning to look for a new psychiatrist. Partly because I don’t like him, but mostly because it’s so annoying going to his office, cause it’s far away and it’s on bus routes that run really slow and infrequently so seeing him for 15 minutes involves a like 2-3 hour trip. Which is ridiculous and fucking annoying. Especially now that it’s fall and it’s raining all the god damn time, and that 2-3 hour trip usually involves an hour or two of standing in the rain waiting for the bus. So yeah. I really need a new one, I keep saying I’m gonna, but I keep putting it off.

So I’m trying to work on the whole socializing thing. Even though I hate it and think it’s stupid and weird and uncomfortable and it sucks.  Like… right now I’m sitting in the livingroom on my laptop. I guess the whole point is hanging out and making myself “available” in the common areas of the house and stuff, rather than staying shut in my room. I guess.

So yeah. I don’t know what to write about anymore.