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Getting Better

I’ve been doing better lately. I’ve pulled myself out of rock bottom, out of that dark pit I was in.

I ended up getting another job at the same place my friend works at. Right now I’m just doing daycare there, which is nice. The kids are fun.  I was really anxious that I was going to be doing front counter all by myself for like half my shift, and I was stressed and scared but I hate customer service and I’m terrible at it.

On top of the fact they had me train with the night crew, who didn’t bother to train me. They just had me running around doing all the work they didn’t want to do, while not teaching me hardly anything. My best friend’s been training me on our own.

So yeah… I have a job… and stuff. And I guess I’m doing okay.

So here’s what happened…

 

I went to work, everything was normal like always. At the end of my shift my boss says she needs to talk to me downstairs, and I’m like okay. Of course, inside I’m immediately panicked and full of dread and wondering what I did wrong.

Then she says something about letting me go, that it’s just not really a good fit. And she handed me some letter, some bullshit generic ‘you’re fired’ but we’re wording it nicely, like, some kind of copy+paste bullshit you could get off of a google search for termination letters.

I was completely fucking stunned and just blindsided. She was saying stuff about how I’ll still get paid for this week of course, and she can have my check by Tuesday, if I want, otherwise payroll ends on Friday and stuff. I don’t even know. I think I said I’d prefer to have it on Tuesday.

Then I left… and walked around in a daze crying. I texted my therapist, asking if I could see her before Sunday, and she said I can come in at 8 and asked how I was doing. So I told her. I was texting my best friend at the same time, and eventually told her… though it took me longer to work up the nerve to say it because I was so fucking ashamed… I went to my psychiatrist appointment, got my prescription. Got back on the bus, went to my therapists office. I got there early so I walked around a while… contemplated getting a drink in the sports bar up the street. I very much wanted a drink. But then bars are fucking expensive and I’m fucking unemployed again.

I finally saw my therapist and just curled up with her and cried for half the session I think. She knew what she calls my ‘itty bitty shitty committee’ was extremely loud in my head, putting me down and bullying me in my head. All I’ve been able to think all day is that I’m a failure and a fuck up and I can’t do anything.

 

 

 

 

TW: suicidal ideation

Obessing over mistakes

I got called in to work from 8am-1pm today. I was excited to get more hours. Ugh though. =/ I’m frustrated with myself. Because I kept freezing up, unsure of what to do or say.

I already know the hardest things for me are going to be the whole narrating/sportscasting thing. It’s really weird and strange for me, cause I’m not used to talking much. I’m silent like 98% of the time. And I rarely say anything that isn’t necessary… so it’s really hard for me to sort of keep talking to the kids.

It’s hard not to nervously hover over the kids either and swoop in and pick them up when they fall, or to constantly hold their hands while they’re trying to walk or climb. I’m so scared of them getting hurt- moreso I’m scared of angry parents/teachers because they got hurt while I was watching them. So I hover. And I know I shouldn’t.

I hope with time I’ll get better about it, once I get used to being around the kids. I don’t WANT to be that nervous hovering adult. It just makes them anxious too eventually, and I don’t want that. Especially for if I ever someday have my own kids. I want to be calm and confident and let the kids feel free to explore and learn on their own when they’re obviously safe and in no danger whatsoever.

But yeah. As such I’m being super over critical of myself, obsessing over every little thing that seems “wrong”.  Part of it is I’m so completely terrified of doing something wrong and getting fired. Because I don’t want to lose this job. I like this job. I really really do.

Ugh. I’m so scared of getting fired.

Training

I spent last week at training for work. I’ve learned a lot about their policies and philosophies and the specific language they use. It’s been a fascinating experience. I’ve learned so much from it and I’m quite excited about it.

Many times during training I found myself thinking what they’re doing makes total sense and I can’t believe this isn’t the normal for raising children. A lot of times I’ve found myself thinking that if I ever have my own baby that a lot of this is exactly how I would want to raise my baby.

Their philosophy is gentle, mindful, and respectful. It’s based around seeing infants and toddlers as whole people. There’s a lot of influence from Magna Gerber’s teachings and her infant educaring ideas.

There was also moments of the training that were difficult. Like when we read articles and talked about why and how certain things can be harmful to children, I found myself cringing inside and thinking, ‘Yeah, I know first hand how this fucks you up.’

A lot of it is based on treating children with respect, like you would anyone else. They are whole people.

One thing we learned about is how they talk to kids. Language is respectful, empathetic, calm. There’s a lot of sort of “sportscasting” which is a nonjudgmental, “just the facts” verbalizing of events going on. “You’re working very hard on fitting that puzzle piece. You seem frustrated.” or “You have a green box. You are putting the blue ball in the green box.” etc. It’s mostly about observing what the kids are doing and not interfering. You allow them to play and explore. Unless there’s true possibility of being hurt, you let them figure things out on their own, otherwise you redirect them to something safe. Like, instead of rushing after and screaming no at a baby who wants to put her finger in an electric socket. Their approach is more like, you calmly walk over and put your hand over the socket, “I see your interested in the socket. I’m going to cover it with my hand. This isn’t safe to touch.” and patiently waiting for the baby to lose interest. Another example: a child banging throwing hard toys across the room, “I see you want to throw things. You can throw this soft plush ball.” so that they can continue to fill their desire to throw but with an object that won’t cause any harm.

Another big part of this is acknowledging, and validating children’s feelings.  Rather than rushing in to “soothe” by saying things like “You’re okay.” when clearly they aren’t, they suggest observing and validating, saying instead like, “I see you’re very upset.” And then empathizing and problem solving and stuff.

It’s really interesting.

First Day of Work

AAAGH why did wordpress change the dashboard UI? It’s quite ugly now. Ugh, and I’ve never been a fan of light text on dark backgrounds. Ugh.

Anyway. Sunday’s therapy was very difficult. I don’t want to get into what it was about in a public post.

Today was my first day at my new job. I was so nervous, but now that I’m done I feel better. I’m excited, I liked it a lot. It’s only from 12-3, and it’s just getting the kids fed and then settled for the nap, and cleaning up around the place. It was cool.

I meant to write more but I got distracted. I should get to bed, I work again tomorrow.

It’s strange… having a job again…

To the Park

I haven’t written in a while. There’s been a lot going on, and anything I wanted to write would’ve had to be posted privately anyway. I’ve been busy. Family drama, job hunting, etc. There was a head lice scare last week that triggered me pretty bad. Part of my mind was a kid again, trapped in the backyard in the summer heat with my mom combing through my hair and bitching at me like it was my fault and I got lice on purpose just to make her life difficult. That also led to some other issues that came up in therapy and I confessed some things to my therapist that I’m completely ashamed of. It’s going to be extremely difficult to go back to see her at the end of the week. When I think about what I told her I want to crawl under a rock and die.

Last Saturday I had a job interview at a hotel and it went absolutely horrible. They were putting me under a lot of pressure, and it was 2 men in this cluttered messy office room interviewing me. I kept freezing up and going blank. Part of it was the intenseness of the interview, which they were doing on purpose because they want someone who can work under pressure. But I really think part of it was that it was 2 men standing over me, judging me.

I had another interview today and it went pretty good I think. I was honest and a bit more relaxed. This place it was a woman interviewing me, and her office was organized and comfortable, and she seemed nice. I know that my lack of experience and being shy and awkward with people might not make me totally ideal, but I sort of hope she’ll give me a chance.

On my way home, I ended up walking down to this park by the river. It was really pretty. I didn’t want to just go straight home cause it’s been so nice out lately. It’s slightly warm and sunny and just beautiful. Of course, my best friend and family think it’s rediculously hot and gross out. It’s only like mid 70s F. It’s GORGEOUS. But I’m used to being 90+F with 100% humidity so it feels more like 110 and humid and mucky and gross. That’s what I consider hot. 70? Wonderful. I sat by the river and meditated for a short while. I couldn’t help thinking it’d be really nice to take a yoga mat down there and do some yoga. Anyway, it was very grounding. I need to go down there more often.

Anyway, tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist again to check in, and adjust my medication. My therapist and I still feel I’m not where I need to be medication wise. So I’m supposed to ask if a higher dose of prozac will help or something in addition to the prozac.

I screwed up.

So more anxiety. Awesome. I don’t know how much more I can take. The old tracks are playing loud and clear, and all I want to do is run away. Run home with my tail between my legs because I’m a coward.

I got in trouble at work today. Which I kind of deserved. Because I was texting at work a couple of times, and I guess people told on me. (Irony here, half the damn time it was probably my therapist I was texting.)

And I also found out starting tomorrow I’m switching desks with this other girl and I have to sit next to triggering lead lady form now on. And I don’t know why.

I feels like having to sit next to the teacher’s desk because you’re in trouble.

And I DON’T. KNOW. WHY.

Other than the fact I’m a shitty ass employee, obviously.

And I’m dreading it so much because this lady triggers me so god damn much.

And all I can keep thinking is that I’m going to end up fired within the next month. And then I’ll have ended up adding little to nothing to my savings, and I also won’t have a reference. Which just sucks.

I just want to curl up and cry. I feel like a failure. And I HATE the small part of me that wants to run away, go home, back to my mom and dad, where I’ll be abused and dependent on them but I won’t have to deal with all this scary ass shit that I can’t handle. I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough.

I can’t even take a pill and hope it’ll all go away because I can’t get my prescriptions because the psychiatrist I saw forgot to give me back my freaking insurance card.

Called Out From Work

I woke up this morning with a truly awful migraine. These have been rare occurrences since I moved, but this one was bad. I couldn’t function at all. Migraine + this lingering nasty cold which feels like it’s moving from my head into my chest. So I ended up calling out sick from work.

I’m trying not to freak out over it. I’m trying not to let myself get stressed that I’ll get in trouble or fired or stuff.

It’s not like I could help it. There was no way I could physically walk to the bus stop this morning.

Work Triggers

Trigger Warning: Women’s health care issues
I think I may have pieced together why I have such a hard time with one of the assignments at work.

I started to realize it when Lead Lady started putting me on extremely basic assignments to see my speed. They’re completely mindless and a LOT easier as there is only one or two steps involved. I found myself more focused, generally.

The job I have a hard time with deals with paperwork from women’s healthcare clinics. It’s complicated and has a lot of steps. I thought it was just too many steps and difficult. But I realized I dissociate A LOT when doing this job. I completely zone out for hours at a time, and when I come back I don’t even remember doing the work.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s triggering me.

I have some trauma issues related to going to the GYN. **Trigger Warning** My very first time was horrible and traumatic- I was having irregular periods, so my mom took me to her doctor and told me we were just going to talk to the doctor and ask some questions. The doctor decided she wanted to do a quick exam. I was not prepared for this at all. I didn’t want to but felt like I had no choice. I was embarrassed and humilated because I hadn’t shaved my legs or underarms and didn’t want to be seen like that even by a female doctor. The doctor was quick about it, and didn’t really say much. She didn’t try to help me relax. She just examined my body and then examined… down there. I remember laughing because I was trying so hard not to cry. The few times I went after that I had panic attack, and my mom was with me and she just got frustrated and would scream at me to stop, that I’m being stupid, that I’m overdramatic. **/Trigger Warning**

I’ve never gone back.

As such, I’ve never had a full exam. Never had a pap smear or anything. I’ve avoided it like the plague.

And I haven’t really talked about it in therapy. I mentioned it to my old T a couple of times, but it was never something I wanted to deal with or work on. I still don’t, not really. I think it’s more than just the GYN stuff, I don’t want to deal with. I think I feel like it’ll lead to my sexuality (and lack thereof) issues. The one time we talked about sex stuff in T, my T asked me how old I felt. I was thrown by the question, and hesitant to answer, but eventually told her when we’re talking about sex stuff I feel like I’m only 10 or 11 years old. She explained that it’s okay, and that of course I’m going to react that way to sex stuff if I feel like a little girl inside when talking about it.

I don’t know. It’s not something I want to face.

On another note… I’m sick. =( I’ve got some kind of icky head cold or something. It sucks. I texted my new therapist to cancel tomorrow, and instantly regretted it. I only cancelled cause I didn’t want to get her sick. But I really wanted/needed that session. There’s been so much on my mind and I wanted to talk to her about it so badly. I don’t want to wait another week before I see her.