Month: April 2013

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Utopia

While talking about the book I’m currently reading, a YA dystopian novel, my therapist asked me what my idea of a utopia is. Part of my answer was some place with out stress. This led to discussing how I still sort of hold onto this idea that “getting better” and being “healthy” should mean not reacting to triggers and stressors, not getting upset and emotional. “Almost robotic, then?” M asked me. And… yeah. I guess it is sort of robotic.

M told me that’s not what she thinks being healthy means. She thinks it’s means being stressed and triggered, but not letting it send you spinning out of control.

“It’s getting overwhelmed, and taking a break, and grounding yourself, and then going back in.”

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that. I have no experience, I’ve never seen anyone deal with things that way. Stressors lead to meltdowns and acting like it’s the end of the world. So I guess that’s where I feel like I have to be the exact upset and not react/get upset.

I’m too tired to write more. I didn’t sleep much last night, then I had therapy, and then babysitting. I’m about ready for bed.

There’s a job fair on Tuesday. For some reason I’m going even though they’ve never been useful in the past. In the past though I always got overwhelmed and would get spacey and dissociative. I even asked M today, “But what if I dissociate?” Then I remembered that at one point I had a plan that my old therapist and I came up with, where if I got overwhelmed I would go to the bathroom or outside to ground myself. I wasn’t that good at grounding myself back then though. M smiled and was like, “See, you know what to do. What grounding technique will you use?” I thought about it for a minute before deciding on the 5 things I see/hear/feel technique thing. I guess I’ve gotten better at not just blanking out on the ways I can ground myself.

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Alarm Bells Going Off In My Head

I just need to know one thing [Defy].  Are you happy?
I am not going to bother you again.  Just really need the answer to that one question.
I would appreciate the answer, no elaborations are necessary, just yes or no will be enough.
Thanks
Mom sent me that vague email. I felt this pit open up in my stomach and was hit by this huge feeling of “something’s not right”. I have this sick feeling inside that she’s depressed and contemplating suicide again. I e-mailed her back and couldn’t help asking if everything’s okay and what the hell she mean by she won’t bother me again. And she was just vague and said it’s nothing and stuff.
Something is very wrong.
God damnit I thought I’d at least gotten past my knee jerk reactions to her suicidal moods. She didn’t even SAY anything specific and yet I just KNOW.
Fuck.
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Edgey

I’m edgey and I can’t stand it. It’s a very physical anxiety. I feel tense, jumpy, like my body is itching to run away. I feel unsteady and shaky. My chest feels tight and it’s so hard to catch my breath.

I’m assuming it’s because we’re adjusting my medication. I went up to 30mg for 10 days but I didn’t feel any better, so now I’m at 40mg of prozac. Maybe it’ll go away in a few days. I wish it would. I want it to stop.

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VR Appointment

So today was my intake thing at the Vocational Rehabilitation office. I was nervous, and I said as much, I explained my last experience with VR was terrible- the counselor lady didn’t listen to me, talked over me, and then insisted on calling my mom even though I’d told her that I was no contact with my mom and that she was abusive.

The guy I saw today was really nice.  He listened to me.

=/ Only awkward thing was it was really difficult to understand/hear him. He was an older man and seemed to have some disabilities himself from a head injury.

Anyway. He was kind and he listened and took down my information. He seemed to understand, he mentioned his wife a few times and that she had had trouble with her family too. Anyway it went well. I signed all the paperwork so they could get my records from my therapist and psychiatrist, and hopefully it’s enough to consider me eligible for their services.

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Last Weekend

Friday, after therapy, I had to run a few places. By the time I got home my best friend was upset and annoyed because apparently she had been waiting on me so we could make dinner. I didn’t know- had no way of knowing. She was upset though and I got uncomfortable and triggered. I was sort of annoyed too because to me it felt like it was expected that I tell her where I’m going and stuff. And so I said stuff about how she goes places without telling me all the time. And she got even more pissed off apparently. I ended up shut in my room. Her mom dragged her out of the house so she wouldn’t storm in and rip my head off I guess. Also, I know when I’m scared and uncomfortable sometimes I smile more, it’s a fucked up defense mechanism. But yeah… It was a huge clusterfuck of misunderstanding and miscommunication and it sucked.

Sunday I had therapy. We talked about a bunch of stuff.

One of the things we addressed is that she thinks I really need to be on a higher dose of medication. I’m on the lowest possible dose of prozac. And… I forget to take it a lot of the time. It’s probably been weeks since I took it. I mostly forget I guess because it wasn’t really doing anything anyway. But my mood has been so unstable and I’m hardly functioning.

I cringe when M listed out everything I’ve been going through the couple months: the lack of energy and motivation, days where I just don’t want to get out of bed, cutting, fleeting suicidal ideation, anxiety, difficulty controlling anxious thoughts and feelings seriously impacting ability to function…

And yeah. It’s… it’s been bad. The depression is severe.

Yet, my gut reaction is to be like, “But I’m NOT depressed.”

I hate that label. Depression. It reminds me too much of my mother. It makes me think of weakness, and neglect, and hurting everybody around you. I don’t want ‘severe depression’ tacked on to my list of diagnosis. I don’t want that label. I hate when I think about the past couple months how much I’ve been acting like her. I don’t want to be like her.

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Idek

I’m tired… blah… my body aches all over.

Also, pretty sure I didn’t get that job. They said they’d wanted someone hired and training by today, and I haven’t heard from them, so…

Not surprised. I suck.

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It’s time to wake up

Today’s therapy… was… I think, one of the most difficult sessions I’ve ever had. I’m still utterly exhausted and drained from it. I could probably use a nap.

M was being… tough. There was no runnng or making excuses or wallowing with her today.

“You’re at a crossroads where you need to chose whether you want to stay a child or grow up to be an adult.”

It was difficult to hear her being so blunt. No bullshit today.

We both know if I asked, my parents would fly me back to Florida, and I could go back to living with them, with having no responsibilities, back to being a child.

Or I could stay here and try to be an adult.

What I can’t do is continue to sit stuck, paralyzed with fear, not wanting to make a choice either way.

She also brought up that things can’t stay the way they are. That my best friend paying my rent for me is not a long term solution… because it will end up destroying our friendship. It’ll lead to her feeling used and resentful someday… And that was incredibly beyond painful to have to hear. M knew it too, and I think she felt bad for having to say it. She knows one of my biggest fears is being a burden to them. She told me that she wasn’t trying to be cruel or hurt me. It all came down to that I need to be motivated. Staying stuck in this conflicted terrified place is painful and hurting me.

M told me she didn’t want to hurt me, that she cared about me, that she believed in me.

I wish I could believe in me…