Here’s something that is always odd to me, and makes it hard for me to relate to people. It feels like all the time now when I meet peers in my general age group, mid- to late-20’s, I come to find out they’re married and have kids. I’m left feeling like a loser and unable to relate to them while they talk about their spouse or kids. I just sit there quietly like, “Oh. I’m a 24 year old virgin with no social life whose never really dated.”
When I’m listening to my coworkers talk about this stuff I’m left feeling like a naive child inside.
I don’t fit in.
I don’t even really have much interest in dating, or having kids. I don’t want that. I mean, even if someday I did want kids, I don’t think I could. I don’t know how to be a parent. I don’t want to make the same mistakes, I don’t want to fuck up my kids royally and I feel like I’d end up doing that because it’s the only example I have.
Then I start to wonder… if I wasn’t raised by a BPD, would my life be different? Would I be married and have a little one by now? Would I actually have a social life and friends?
Would I have gone to college and actually gotten a 4-year degree, instead of just my AA?
How many milestones have I missed?
How many will I continue to miss?
Will I be emotionally stunted for the rest of my life?
Is this all there is ever going to be, an endless cycle of anxiety and panic, dissociation, and depression? Does anyone ever truly recover from emotional/psychological abuse and PTSD?
What’s the point anymore?
defying ptsd 