I don’t even know where to begin

Things have been up and down. Work was stressful as hell. Last Thursday I got stuck having to stay an extra three hours, because the girl who was supposed to come in quit out of the blue. So I had to stay and work the front counter until 3 when someone else came in to cover the shift. And towards the end of the three hours, it got insanely busy and overwhelming. I had to sign up a new member, which I’ve never done before- and he wanted to do the year paid in full and add his two employees also to the membership. And I tried to do it but it was so confused and I think I totally fucked it up, and then forgot to actually charge him. I don’t know.

And then I missed my bus, and got stuck on the extremely crowded bus where I couldn’t move it was so packed and it was horrible, and I was half an hour late to therapy. And I just wanted to have a fucking meltdown.

And then I got stuck having to work Saturday too, which is a shitty shift, because it’s busy, and the other guy working took off as soon as I got out of daycare. So I was stuck at the front counter, alone, again. And I had another person coming in wanting to sign up for a membership, again, which I think I fucked up as well. All in all work has sucked so hard lately.

Friday night, we had girls night at TL’s. It was actually fun and it did distract me for a while. I got to see the kids, and we played games. We played those cool disney game who you have to ask yes or no questions to figure out what character you are. And the kids made turkey crafts.

Sunday, we all went to the children’s museum and that was a lot of fun too. I felt like a kid again too, running around playing with the kids, and taking hundreds of pictures. (I’m an idiot though and fucked up my camera arm, I had really bad golfer’s elbow for like 3 days after, it only just started to get better today.) I spent a lot of time with K, and it made me really happy to feel like we were still close despite having not seen each other in so long. She was wearing the bracelet I made her last year for Christmas, too, which made me so happy. I try so hard to be there for her, cause I know she has a hard time, and sometimes it feels like no one else sees the good in her.

But yeah… it’s been a very long week. And now I’m sick. I think I might maybe have the flu, but I’m hoping it’s just a cold. I still have to work tomorrow, until 2. Which means 2 hours by myself at the front counter. But my BFF said she might maybe stay and hang around at work with me. I’d owe her so much if she did. I don’t know if I can handle being at the front counter alone again.

Sadly, as I’m sick I think that means I might have to miss girl’s night on Friday. Which sucks.

I want to make a bracelet for K for her Christmas… in addition to whatever else I get her. I want it to be something special… I don’t know what though.

Also this week I talked to my dad. He was trying to contact me to do with insurance stuff, saying if I got on disability and shit then I might be able to stay on his insurance longer. Which would help a lot… He also updated me on stuff that’s been going on. Basically, my mom’s still crazy and is splitting him black again, and even tried to throw him out of the house. My grandmother is still crazy and being a bitch about everything. My uncle is living with them now, but I guess my mom hates him again. And I’m just like… I told you this is exactly what would happen. You KNEW this is what would happen, and you chose her. So, no. I don’t feel bad.

My therapist was saying what while she knows he made his choices, and they were poor choices, she still feels bad for him. But I just… I don’t. We talked about splitting in therapy today, and how I’m still very black and white when it comes to my family of origin, especially my mother.

But I think I just got kind of upset and trigger, cause she used the my mother did the best she could line. And I fucking hate that line. The only thing that goes thru my head when I hear it is, “Yeah, but it wasn’t enough.” I feel like I get defensive when people say that. Because it feels so much like people say that and sweep everything under the rug and act like it’s okay. I feel like people say that and then expect you to praise your mother for the saint that she is just because she’s your mother. I feel like people say that to make you feel like complete shit for saying anything bad about your mother. People say that and give a free pass on all of the abusive behavior, just because it’s your mom. People say that when they’re judging you for being such a shitty daughter.

So I sort of brought that up to my therapist. Not all of it. I couldn’t say all of it. It was hard enough to get out what I did manage to say, but I think she maybe understood why I was getting upset. So she went into, “You mom did the best she could. And it wasn’t enough. Can you hold both of those at the same time? Can’t they both be true?” And… yeah. They can be. They are. My mom did the best she could. It wasn’t enough. I can hold those. Why does that mean I can’t be mad at her? Why do I feel like I’m being judged for not wanting anything to do with my mother ever again? Every time my therapist pushes contact with my mother, or trying to empathize with her, this is how I end up feeling. My therapist said she just doesn’t want me doing any of this out of fear. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m doing it out of fear. I don’t know.

I feel like… like I burned those bridges, and I don’t ever want to look back. I want nothing to do with any of it.

We talked about boundaries too, and how she wonders if I’m afraid if I’ll stop having boundaries if I’m in contact with my mom. I never understood when my therapist would say I’m very good at keeping boundaries and I’ve been doing it along time. She used an example today that kind of made sense. But okay fine, maybe I’m good at setting boundaries. But what good is any of that if the other person barrels right past them anyway? There’s just no letting my mom in a little bit. She just doesn’t work like that. It’s everything or nothing with her.

Today we got to baby sit TL’s kids for a few hours. The babies and the girls and it was awesome. I spent most of the time on the couch cuddled up with Little Man, and the girls. Boo was running around all over the place. If I’m honest I didn’t want to leave. I’ve missed those kids so much for so long. They all seem like they’re doing really good too which makes me happy.

I’m tired though. Night.

“You’re part of this family.”

I haven’t had a lot of time to write- there’s been the e-mails from BPDm, and then a lot of business with my friend and her family, a lot of babysitting. We had Little Man over night last weekend- he slept in my room. I took care of a toddler over night- it was a bizarre experience and something I never expected to be doing. When I was talking to my therapist, she commented that she thinks I’d be a good mom if I wanted that some day. Little Man makes me feel like that a lot- that I’d be okay, that I could be a good mom. It’s not something I want right now, but who knows… maybe someday.

Over the weekend we went shopping at the outlet mall. I mostly just tagged along cause I like to look even though I don’t have money to buy anything. BFF found the super cute and pretty Minnie Mouse themed outfit at the Disney outlet, that she’s been wanting to get for the Pretty Princess to wear at her 1st birthday party. So, yesterday we went over to TL’s for a photoshoot to take pictures of the Pretty Princess in her dress.

At one point TL was talking about it’s sometimes confusing because she thinks of me and BFF as her cousins, but with the kids it’s just easier for them to call us Auntie. Especially since we’d be like 2nd cousins or something. And I was like, “And technically I’m not even related to y’all.” And TL looked up at me and replied, “You’re a part of this family, too. You’re family.” and was very serious and adamant about it. I was a little shocked. Thankfully the subject changed before I could start crying.

It’s still hard to believe that I’ve been taken in by this family. BFF’s aunts are like my aunts, and they think of me as their niece as much as BFF is.

It’s so strange, because in therapy last Sunday, M made the same comment, about how I’ve become apart of this family. This huge, accepting, extended family. It’s not like I’m the only one who’s not blood either. TL isn’t blood, but she calls Aunt P ‘mom’. It’s so strange. I still don’t feel like I deserve it, like I belong… but I could never leave. I love them too much.

I’m trying to just soak it in and let myself be happy, and not think about that tiny voice in my head that’s pointing out how BPDm always went on about how she wanted a big extended family (supposedly that’s part of what attracted her to my dad, he had a whole bunch of siblings) but she never got that. But now I have one. It’s weird.

Long Week

First of all- I log into wordpress and find myself baffled because the homepage was changed and is all different. I couldn’t figure out how to get to my dashboard so I could manage stuff and write this post. (I don’t like the quick post type things on the home page.) I’m always startled when webpages completely change their layout without warning…

Anyway. It’s been a long long week. I finally got over my cold. Took me a few days but I’m feel better now. A little sniffly but fine. But by the time I got over this cold there was all kinds of drama going on that I had to deal with and I wasn’t in the headspace to write about it.

It had to do with several members of the family being worried and upset, because everyone had this gut feeling that something bad was going to happen this weekend- we thought TL was going to end up killing herself. She’s been having a hard time, has a lot of issues, and struggles with depression. And she’s still grieving over Q dying last year. She’s said a couple times she wants to go be with Q.

This week though, a couple of people in particular (who are sensitive and have some psychic abilities) had this feeling something was going to happen. And according to best friend and her mom the spirit world was in chaos and worried and trying to communicate. Q and other family members who have passed were trying to get messages across and thought TL was going to kill herself.

When I heard about this, I was triggered badly. I went into crises mode, my mind racing with ‘how can I fix this?’ and my chest felt tight, and I got that floaty fuzzy dissociative feeling. It only last a minute or so because then my best friend said something that snapped me back into the present. It had to do with a dream I had early in the week- a very strange dream where I knew I was dreaming, and even weirder was that Q was in it- I had told my best friend about it, and she thought Q was trying to send me a message. Anyway, what my best friend said was really touching but at the same time terrifying, and it made me cry because it brought back all the feelings that I’m not good enough and that I’m just going to let them down because I’m a fuck up and crazy.

Anyway. We were on edge and stressed and worried sick.

Thursday night, I ended up getting to talk to my old therapist, J, about it. We just chatted as friends and I vented to her a little, because I was triggery and scared, and dealing with a lot of feelings. But I didn’t know if I wanted to talk to my current therapist, M about it. Because I was scared that if I said too much she’d have to make a report.

On Friday when I went to therapy, I did even up talking to M about it. I set it up carefully by asking first off, hypothetically, about the situation. At first M thought we should be cautious and not use real names. But when she found out more that as far as I knew TL hadn’t actually said anything, or made a plan, and there was no actual intent that we knew of, that it was safe to talk about it in more detail, because without any actual intent there’s nothing M can report. There was no real proof or evidence to put into a report. It was just the gut feelings of certain people- and a bunch of ghosts. The session went by so fast, and it was the first time I was disappointed over how fast the session felt. The first time I left not feeling much better.

Friday night, best friend’s mom ended up going over to TL’s to talk to her. She wanted to check in and see how she was doing, and remind TL that we love her and are here for her. I think she also gave TL a message from Q, that he doesn’t want her to join him before it’s her time, and that he needs her to be with the kids. It sounded like TL took it really well and admitted that she does feel really bad sometimes and stuff. Everyone seemed to feel better after best friend’s mom talked to her.

Saturday, was C’s birthday party. (2 years old). It ended up going really really well and was pretty fun.

Today in therapy, it was intense. I was telling M about what happened, and she caught me saying “our family” at one point. I didn’t even notice. I’ve never called them that before, always best friend’s family. We talked about the idea of having 2 families. That I’ve adopted them as my family, as much as they’ve adopted me. I got really emotional and broke down for a bit, struggling with these feelings. Because all I could think is that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve it.

I was also struggling with wanting to ask M to come sit with me, rather than across from me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We had started to work on a collage when I mentioned they’d been something I wanted to say but I couldn’t. And eventually I wrote it out and gave it to her. She said she had been sort of struggling with the same thing, that she wasn’t sure if I wanted space to sit with the feelings, or if I wanted her to be closer. But yeah. We talked more about that, and how I felt stupid for wanting to reach out. That it’s weak to need someone… that it’s dangerous to rely on someone who might let you down. And M said how it must be so scary letting best friend’s family in. And I was already starting to break down again, but more so because I was terrified that if they rely on me I’ll let THEM down.

And yeah. Very intense, rough session.