Isolation

Trigger Warning: Childhood emotional abuse, mention of murder-suicide ideation

I left off my last post with the fact that I didn’t realize the role my mom played in my life. I didn’t even understand that my childhood was abusive and traumatic.

How does someone not understand they’re being abused?

I remember the first book I read on BPD was Randi Kreger’s “Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder“.

While reading, much of the book rang true for me and my mom. Then I got to this one part that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Frequently, non-BPs become isolated because the BPs in their lives insist that they cut off ties with others. Too often, the non-BPs comply. Once a non-BP becomes more isolated, several things can happen:

• They may become more emotionally dependent on the BP.
• Because they are out of touch with the real world, the outrageousness of BPD behavior may seem normal once there is nothing to compare it to.

(Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells, ch 4 p 75)

You see?

Now imagine growing up with the BPD person. Being raised by a BPD.  I was isolated from the day I was born.

The outrageous behavior WAS my normal.

I had nothing to compare it to. I had no concept at all that normal, healthy families DO NOT function the way mine did.

Growing up, I didn’t have many friends. Even when I did have friends, it was extremely rare that I was allowed to see them outside of school. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times I was allowed to visit a friend at their home- god forbid I ever dare asking to have friends over, my mother would never allow it because our house was a mess, or some other excuse. I remember her claiming to be afraid, because she didn’t know my friends families, and she seemed to think everyone in the world would want to rape and kill me. She thought the whole world was a dangerous place.

So I’ve never seen how other families interact. I’ve never seen what a healthy mother is like.

My only real friends were friends I made through the internet.

This was my normal. It was “normal” for my mom to be in control of the entire families finances (including her ex-husband). It was “normal” for my mom to sleep all day. It was “normal” for my mom to get depressed, and vent to me about how miserable her life is, how nobody loves her, and how she plans to kill herself. It was “normal” for her suicide ideation to include taking me and my brother with her, because she didn’t want to leave us in this shitty world and we were dependent on her anyway.

Anyone else see the irony here in her claiming to be afraid of my friends families being dangerous, when she wanted to strap us in her car and drive off a bridge?

I should note: the fact that I’m even able to type that out and post it on the internet- nevermind that this is anonymous- is HUGE and really shows how far I’ve come.

As recent as 6 months ago, I never, ever would have dared to say that outloud/online/whatever. Because it was “bad”. Because “I’d get in trouble”.

I remember this specific memory coming up in therapy while I was doing EMDR work. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. To tell my therapist that my mom had said that. I remember how I physically withdrew, curling up on myself, hiding behind my hair, trying to make myself as small as possible. I FELT small. I felt like a child. Nevermind I was 23, sitting in the safety of my therapists office, I felt like saying it outloud would lead to something bad happening. My mom would be upset.

And here I am, announcing it to the world, and I’m not afraid. I don’t feel like a child.

Go me. I’m healing.