nightmares

by

Nightmares have begun

Trigger Warning: Nightmares

Oh. Well this is awesome. (Not.)

So my sleeping patterns are screwed to hell, thanks insomnia, thanks PTSD. For most of the week I couldn’t sleep. I managed a couple hours each night, but that’s it.

2 nights ago I had a series of nightmares and woke up having a panic attack. Wonderful. I was a shaken up wreck all morning, it literally took me hours to feel somewhat ‘normal’ again.

One of them involved me living with my grandmother who is undiagnosed Narcissistic/Borderline. I think in the dream I was younger- yet I was aware that I was being emotionally abused and was trying to escape, but I kept getting caught and in trouble. Obviously not much to this dream, though it was odd that it was about my grandmother rather than my mother.

Then I had a dream where I was in a house that I think we were moving out of. I look out the window and notice a grizzly bear. I freeze up, panicking, and then it notices and looks back at me. It proceeds to charge the window and I run. I think my brother was there, or someone who was supposed to be my brother, and at one point we escape out the window and go to another house. The bear finds us and follows, and gets inside the next house. Escape again, to a third house where there were other people. I don’t remember much after that point, just being terrified of the bear chasing me, and that’s around when I woke up.

Sort of interesting, and I figured this had some symbolism to it, so I decide to do some dream dictionary/interpretation research.

To see a bear in your dream represents independence, strength, death and renewal, and/or resurrection. […]

To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes anger and your uncontrolled aggression. You are feeling trapped.Perhaps you are in an threatening situation, some overwhelming obstacle or domineering and possessive relationship.

from: http://www.dreammoods.com


We may therefore associate the bear with feelings about living alone or surviving by our own strength; it can refer to the confrontation with feelings we have about independence,

from: dream-hawk.com

Well. In hindsight, that seems like really freaking obvious symbolism considering the circumstances. Particularly the bit about feelings we have about independence. I mean, come on. I just moved across the country and am being independent for the first time in my life, after being raised by my crazy Borderline mother who wanted me to be dependent on her and her caretaker, and then my overprotective dad who is convinced that I’m going to fail or fuck up my life or something.

To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.

To see shut windows in your dream signify desertion and abandonment.

Again, obvious symbolism seems obvious. I guess all the anxieties and fears I’m still having over this move manifested themselves in this nightmare.

Then today, I took a short nap. Awful nightmare occurs. This one actually involving BPDm. For some reason I was back in my old home, visiting or something, and BPDm shows up to rage at me for moving.

It sucks.

I’m sure the insomnia is going to get worse now because I won’t want to sleep for fear of more nightmares. Fuck.

by

Fuck Nightmares

Trigger warning: nightmares, effects of abuse, entrapment

Clearly, I’m really fucking triggery this week. I was dissociative again yesterday morning. Then, instead of sleeping in and relaxing today, I had nightmares about BPDm.

Basically it was another one of those, where she shows up at our house (with NPDgm) and I’m rushing around trying to get my stuff together so I can leave. But she’s doing everything she can in order to stop me. And she’s raging and yelling at me and treating me like shit.

When I finally get my things and get outside, my car is gone. I go back in and demand to know where my car is, what she did to it. She just keeps going on. Somehow I found my car in the garage, but… it’s… only half my car. I don’t even know wtf. But it was just worse because I found my car and it couldn’t help me escape. And by this point in the dream I’m crying and sobbing, while telling my mom I’m going to call the police. But she just asks all high and mighty about how they won’t care cause the car isn’t mine on paper. Then I point out that she’s not allowing me to leave when I want to leave, and I’m an adult, and that’s entrapment and illegal. And she doesn’t care, she keeps trying to make excuses that they won’t do anything.

That’s when I woke up.

I’m still upset and stressed out and shaky.

Then I get online.

And why am I not surprised that BPDm e-mailed me like 10 minutes before I woke up.

It makes it feel like, somehow she’s so upset and in one of her borderline cycles she was able to send all that fucking negative energy at me anyway.